Searching
Exhausted after an incredibly long day yesterday, and a slow, yet painful, one today all I wanted to do was nothing.
When I got home this evening I logged-on, went to the kitchen and recovered what was supposed to be my lunch today from the fridge, returned to the living room and proceeded to catch up on my web surfing.
After an hour or so I was mindlessly negotiating pages and sites I've often frequented. That's when it happened. I was logged on to My Space and decided to search for a friend of mine from college. As I searched I thought of all the reasons I should not be looking him up — the biggest being that he is now married and the last time we spoke our conversation went something like this:
"Hey, Granola! Want a ride?"
"Sure." I say as I open the door to the back seat of his SUV, because of the other person already occupying the front passenger's seat.
"This is my brother-in-law."
We exchange pleasantries. The conversation between my friend and me flows naturally.
"Hey, how's ExOfNote?"
"I wouldn't know. We broke up. For real. Finally."
"Oh. I was always jealous of him."
"Really?" Holy freaking crap! I want to scream. I kept him a secret until it became painfully clear to me that you just wanted to be friends! "Oh." I say casually, maybe a bit too casually, "You should have asked me out. I would have said 'yes'." The conversation continues while I wonder what must be going through his brother-in-law's mind at that moment.
We reach my destination, I hop out, and we part for what now appears forever. As I walk into my house I can't help but wonder how his marriage is fairing. The previous time we spoke he mentioned that things were rocky, and I worried then, I worry more, now.
As I typed his name into various search engines tonight I couldn't help but wonder where he is, what he's doing, if his marriage has improved or dissolved, if he ever thinks of me.
Maybe it's the wrong thing to say, and it most certainly is the wrong time to be saying it, but I think I could have loved him. Deeply. Maybe even more than I loved ExOfNote. As I reflected on these experiences we shared my search deepened. As I wondered what I would say to him if I located him my search slowed. What would I say? How would I say it? What if I were to find him and discover that his marriage has been repaired and they're more deeply in love than the day they got married? What if it has crumbled and all that is left are ancient ruins? Either way, what could I possibly say? Yes, I could have loved him easily. I hope they've managed to work it out.
When I got home this evening I logged-on, went to the kitchen and recovered what was supposed to be my lunch today from the fridge, returned to the living room and proceeded to catch up on my web surfing.
After an hour or so I was mindlessly negotiating pages and sites I've often frequented. That's when it happened. I was logged on to My Space and decided to search for a friend of mine from college. As I searched I thought of all the reasons I should not be looking him up — the biggest being that he is now married and the last time we spoke our conversation went something like this:
"Hey, Granola! Want a ride?"
"Sure." I say as I open the door to the back seat of his SUV, because of the other person already occupying the front passenger's seat.
"This is my brother-in-law."
We exchange pleasantries. The conversation between my friend and me flows naturally.
"Hey, how's ExOfNote?"
"I wouldn't know. We broke up. For real. Finally."
"Oh. I was always jealous of him."
"Really?" Holy freaking crap! I want to scream. I kept him a secret until it became painfully clear to me that you just wanted to be friends! "Oh." I say casually, maybe a bit too casually, "You should have asked me out. I would have said 'yes'." The conversation continues while I wonder what must be going through his brother-in-law's mind at that moment.
We reach my destination, I hop out, and we part for what now appears forever. As I walk into my house I can't help but wonder how his marriage is fairing. The previous time we spoke he mentioned that things were rocky, and I worried then, I worry more, now.
As I typed his name into various search engines tonight I couldn't help but wonder where he is, what he's doing, if his marriage has improved or dissolved, if he ever thinks of me.
Maybe it's the wrong thing to say, and it most certainly is the wrong time to be saying it, but I think I could have loved him. Deeply. Maybe even more than I loved ExOfNote. As I reflected on these experiences we shared my search deepened. As I wondered what I would say to him if I located him my search slowed. What would I say? How would I say it? What if I were to find him and discover that his marriage has been repaired and they're more deeply in love than the day they got married? What if it has crumbled and all that is left are ancient ruins? Either way, what could I possibly say? Yes, I could have loved him easily. I hope they've managed to work it out.
posted by granola girl at 9:20 pm
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