It's All About Control

I have never felt so not in control as I have since telling Bill how I feel about him.

Cyclist convinced me that it would be liberating. That if I would just put it out there, get it out of my system, release it into the ether, then I would be free of the weight, free of the concerns, and free of the uncertainty.

Sure, those all hold. But, I'm also no longer in control over it. I no longer control how much he knows. Now that I've put it out there—put it all out there—I can't control anything about it.

The kicker, he knows what I like, and he does those things even more now. And, he likes the attention, so he flirts with me even worse than he did before. These things I cannot control.

For someone who lives life in an apparently haphazard way, to be so concerned with control might seem a contradiction. But, I assure you, the haphazard and the control go very much hand-in-hand.

I am in control of my chaos.