Playing the Fool

Halloween! My favorite holiday. Bill and I we're going to a party together and I was doing his special effects make-up, so we got ready at his place. Rather than drag it all down to my car and leave my work laptop there, I left everything in his apartment. Car keys included.

Then there was the party. With lots of alcohol. Bill was drinking pretty heavily. So was a friend of the host's who is not only stunningly beautiful, but freshly single. Mid-way through the evening I noticed them holding hands in the kitchen. (This on the heels of having observed a few people warn her of my feelings, and, even having told her myself. To that she had answered, "Don't worry, I don't want any of that.") Minutes later they were kissing. I declared that I needed some fresh air and headed outside for a much needed cry.

When I returned, Bill was standing very near the entrance such that I had to walk right past him to return to the festivities. "Are you ok?" he inquired, noting my red eyes.

"Yeah," I lied, "it's just my contacts."

"Do you want to leave?" he offered. Not wanting to be that girl I told him no, we could stay. Minutes later I learned she was throwing up and was done for the night. I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad to hear it.

A few times throughout the remainder of the evening he asked if I was ready to go. Finally, I had my fill and felt as if I wouldn't be creating more of a scene by us leaving.

As soon as we stepped out the door the explanations started. He was drunk. She was very drunk. She kissed him. The kitchen wasn't his ideal make out spot. She got a bloody nose and started puking, so they didn't kiss that much. I was obviously pissed, because when those ran out he asked me what was wrong. For the next two blocks he asked me what was wrong.

I told him, "nothing." I told him it was something I had to work out on my own. And when he continued to press I told him that there is this guy that I have a crush on. He asked if I hadn't gotten hit on. No, I said, I had—plenty. But, that was all he got. "Well," he reassured me, "You didn't make an ass of yourself in front of everyone by making out in the kitchen!" After I picked up my stuff Bill offered to walk me to my car, per usual. I declined, reassuring him that I'd be ok. Next, he offered me a hug, which I did take.

As we were hugging I said, "one shouldn't develop feelings for their best friend." His useless response was, "I can't say that I disagree." Then he walked me to my car, anyway.

At the car I tossed my stuff inside and turned for the good night hug. We embraced, then pulling back, but not breaking the hug, we looked intensely at each other. In that instant we nearly kissed.

I couldn't do it.

Never mind that he had just made out with some other chick, but more importantly, he was drunk. So, so very drunk. And I have a rule, which I never break: I don't kiss boys who have been drinking. It's treated me well this far.

"I'll call you in the morning," he said, the alcohol on his breath hitting my nose unwelcomely.

"Sure," I replied, finally breaking contact, "sleep well." and I was off.

The next morning brought a shopping trip with him where he reiterated the previous evening's excuses. It also brought brunch with a number of girls from the party—including Miss Nose Bleed herself. She came up to me before anyone else arrived and told me that she had no idea that she had done that. What she didn't tell me was that she was sorry. Needless to say, brunch was awkward.

I still haven't told (sober) Bill how I feel, and he still hasn't told me that they're going out tonight (mutual friends are simultaneously a blessing and a curse). I tried to tell him last night, but it's something I need to say face to face, not over im.

Still, he knows he screwed up, but he's not sure how much.

I decided this morning why I'm so upset and hurt. Sure, I might not have made an ass of myself, but I was made a fool of. And that hurts almost as much as my breaking heart.