Choices

2 hours of sleep as a direct result of doing someone else's job, and on my way to work on time. I was not, you can imagine, in a great mood. Or particularly awake.

I stepped onto the crowded escalator, my boxy purse wedged between my back and messenger bag. The hard corner of my purse pressed uncomfortably against my back, so I half-looked over my shoulder to make sure the person behind me wasn't going to get violated when I grabbed the purse and moved it. They were far enough behind me that it wasn't an issue. I grabbed my purse and moved it to the front of my person.

Then I heard angry, accusatory muttering through my very loud earphones. Initially I ignored it, but the voice continued. I started listening. "...black man so you move your purse. We're not like that..."

That was enough to tell me what I was being accused of. I contemplated ignoring him. Then I contemplated yelling at him that he wasn't helping the cause by accusing people of racism baselessly. Instead, I turned, took out my earbuds and politely tried to explain to him that I moved my purse because it was bothering me, not because he was there. "Yeah, right. It was so obvious," he countered, surprised that someone would respond to his accusations "you saw a black man and moved your purse. We're not that way. We're not like that."

Counter statements like, "my black boyfriend will be relieved to hear that", and "it takes only once of getting violated by a black man to make one flinch when others are around", or "I was adopted and raised by black parents" floated through my mind. Each is entirely false, but he had no way of knowing that.

I settled on the truth, "I really didn't notice who was there. I moved my bag because it was bothering me. And, if you choose to believe that I'm lying, well," I paused, I had run out of plan, "well, I find that unfortunate, but I hope you have a great rest of your day." With that I replaced my earbuds and turned my back to him, facing the right way up the escalator.

I don't know if he took up his angry accusations again, because I was determined to not listen. I don't know what he thought, or what everyone else who was forced to listen thought, but in that moment I really didn't care. I said my piece, I tried to convey it had nothing to do with his race, I didn't escalate the situation as was tempting, and, really, I just wanted to go back to bed.

Sometimes in life people do things near you, and if you're sensitive in just the right way you're going to take offense. The thing of it is, though, sometimes it has nothing to do with you. He could have been my best friend and I would have moved my purse. I hope he figures that out someday. I doubt he will.