Progression
When ExOfNote was in town we went to church together, naturally. Since he is my ex, and I kind of am interested in a few guys in the ward, I didn't want people thinking we were together, so I introduced him as "my friend" and made sure we didn't stand too close together, at first. By the end of Sunday School it ceased to matter to me what other people saw. Ok, I suppose now is an opportune moment for a confession -- ExOfNote and I have excellent chemistry, and we are both still so pathetically attached to one another that when we are together we slip easily into the "boyfriend-girlfriend" model. Generally, however, he lives in a different country, so we don't see each other to do that all too frequently, so we don't do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing too much. Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog.
Well, yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about ExOfNote and she laughingly told me that watching us during church was like watching a relationship grow. At first, she informed me, we walked in "like t-h-i-s f-a-r a-p-a-r-t" and by the end of church we were all "lovey-dovey." I didn't quite believe her, so I asked for more specifics. Apparently, the progression moved from standing far apart to standing close together, then standing really close together, then she was like, "Oh! He has his arm around her; and she's ok with it. Ok." Then, apparently, we moved to holding hands, and leaning in towards each other, etc, etc, etc. By the time we left church it was blatantly obvious to everyone with eyes that we were not only together, but deeply in a relationship. I guess that ruined my chances with any of the boys I was interested in.
More than anything, however, I'm super frustrated with myself. ExOfNote and I had an amazing five year relationship (yeah, you read that right, five years and not married). He's a great guy, and one day (if he so chooses) he'll make someone an excellent spouse. The tragic part of the story is how much we love each other, and how our relationship can never be permanent. I'm reminded of our deep love each time we're together, and it breaks my heart anew to remember it's sure impossibility. I wish there were some way I could change the things that I so desperately want to change, but I can't, and if I could I wouldn't. What a nightmare. I think it's interesting to see how other people can see our sentiments, whether we try to hide or show them. I guess when you wear your heart on your sleeve other people are bound to catch sight of it, now and then.
Tonight at a church thing a girl I know asked, "Are you still dating that guy?" I smiled and said, "No." Content to leave it at that. Another girl who was standing near by asked, "What happened?" "We broke up a year and a half ago." "Oh." I think she was confused as to the whole mess, but so are ExOfNote and myself, so why should it make sense for anyone else?
Well, yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about ExOfNote and she laughingly told me that watching us during church was like watching a relationship grow. At first, she informed me, we walked in "like t-h-i-s f-a-r a-p-a-r-t" and by the end of church we were all "lovey-dovey." I didn't quite believe her, so I asked for more specifics. Apparently, the progression moved from standing far apart to standing close together, then standing really close together, then she was like, "Oh! He has his arm around her; and she's ok with it. Ok." Then, apparently, we moved to holding hands, and leaning in towards each other, etc, etc, etc. By the time we left church it was blatantly obvious to everyone with eyes that we were not only together, but deeply in a relationship. I guess that ruined my chances with any of the boys I was interested in.
More than anything, however, I'm super frustrated with myself. ExOfNote and I had an amazing five year relationship (yeah, you read that right, five years and not married). He's a great guy, and one day (if he so chooses) he'll make someone an excellent spouse. The tragic part of the story is how much we love each other, and how our relationship can never be permanent. I'm reminded of our deep love each time we're together, and it breaks my heart anew to remember it's sure impossibility. I wish there were some way I could change the things that I so desperately want to change, but I can't, and if I could I wouldn't. What a nightmare. I think it's interesting to see how other people can see our sentiments, whether we try to hide or show them. I guess when you wear your heart on your sleeve other people are bound to catch sight of it, now and then.
Tonight at a church thing a girl I know asked, "Are you still dating that guy?" I smiled and said, "No." Content to leave it at that. Another girl who was standing near by asked, "What happened?" "We broke up a year and a half ago." "Oh." I think she was confused as to the whole mess, but so are ExOfNote and myself, so why should it make sense for anyone else?
posted by granola girl at 10:08 pm
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