Numb
I've become numb. Head to toe numb. I feel nothing, until I do. And then, the only thing I feel is anguish. No emotions until pain. I laugh, so I don't cry. When I'm alone, I try to not think, so I don't cry. My thoughts sneak up on me anyway. They ambush me when I'm not paying attention, wrestling me to the ground in submission.
I've talked to him, once. He couldn't wait to get me off the phone. I carry my phone with me — more obsessively than before. I check it whenever I hear a phone ring. I check it when I don't. I'm afraid I'll miss the next most important phone call I'll ever get. I don't expect him to call, ever. I hope he does. What will I say? I don't know. But, I should at least have the chance to awkwardly try to come up with something.
It used to be whenever I saw something he likes I would smile, fondly, remembering how his likes would turn into obsessions. Now, when I see them I want to cry. Sometimes I do. I can't avoid those things he likes, but I can't explain unbidden tears, either.
I want to tell him how much he hurt me. I know I can't. I want to just move on and get past this. I'm afraid I will forget him.
I've talked to him, once. He couldn't wait to get me off the phone. I carry my phone with me — more obsessively than before. I check it whenever I hear a phone ring. I check it when I don't. I'm afraid I'll miss the next most important phone call I'll ever get. I don't expect him to call, ever. I hope he does. What will I say? I don't know. But, I should at least have the chance to awkwardly try to come up with something.
It used to be whenever I saw something he likes I would smile, fondly, remembering how his likes would turn into obsessions. Now, when I see them I want to cry. Sometimes I do. I can't avoid those things he likes, but I can't explain unbidden tears, either.
I want to tell him how much he hurt me. I know I can't. I want to just move on and get past this. I'm afraid I will forget him.
posted by granola girl at 11:15 pm
1 Comments:
You will never forget him, for he is the 'one' who held (and broke)your heart. Your entire college experience has his personality imprinted in it. Your international travel will forever hold the memory of that 'first' international travel.
You will 'move on' as everyone tells you to. But you will do it ever so agonizingly slowly. Bit by bit. Even as you perhaps choose another with whom to grow old, he will continue to dwell in the recesses of your heart.
You may even be able to forgive him for his human-ness, and the incredible hurt he has poured on your soul. I may even forgive him, for I often wondered if this nice man who loved my daughter who loved him would become a son. *sigh* I loved him too, and I wish him happiness, because the happiness I wished my daughter is not to be.
love,
mom
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