Not That Subtle

Out at dinner with some friends this weekend one of the girls (who knows very little about the current state of Bill-ness) asked, "Are you and Bill 'over?'"

"What do you mean? Where'd you get that idea?"

"Oh, it was something you said, or tweeted. I just got the impression that you weren't speaking to him or something."

"Well," I said, trying to keep the exact situation contained to a smaller group, "I guess I'm just letting things go where they go." You know, I didn't add, go where they go after I stab them to death.

My guess? It was the email I sent out organizing my birthday party—his name was conspicuously absent from the invite list.

The Note

Right after I decided to cut Bill off completely I left him a note with his house keys on his desk. It was short and simple, and kind of final. Well, let's be honest, any note that includes your house keys is pretty final.

I left it on his desk on Friday morning. Saturday morning I popped into the office to pick something up and stopped by his desk to see what he had done with the note. I should pause here and say, he's keeps things like notes and Christmas cards. I was still a bit surprised to see it on his desk rather than in the bin (he most assuredly can't take it home—Chick would freak out, but he could have tossed it in the desk).

Fast forward to today. I had a spoon of his from when we lived together which I brought home and washed and needed to return. I took it to his desk this morning to leave it there before he got in. It's been weeks and the note is still there, and has been joined by a post-it note that I left quite earlier in the month just saying hi.

Honestly, now I'm wondering what that means, why he still has it, and what am I supposed to do with that information. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm sure he's sad that I severed ties, and, possibly hurting, but the fact of the matter is: I had to take control of the amount of pain I was allowing that relationship to cause me. And, I have to take care of me, and worry about me, since no one else is. I know Bill will be ok, now I have to make sure I am.

No Contact

Not talking to Bill has been hard, but as time passes it becomes just how things are. Last week he was down in my office area talking with a coworker. I hoped he'd stop by my desk and say 'hi'. What he did do was wave.

I ignored him.

Why? He hurt me a ton, and if he wants to rebuild our friendship I need much more than a wave to make me feel more generous towards him.

Teach asked me if I'd 'take him back' if he wanted. I told her that it would take a whole lot more than I think he's willing to put in. And, by the time he puts in enough effort for me to notice and believe that his efforts are genuine he'll probably have just given up.

So, There we are.

Things that Suck

You know what sucks? I got all the friends in the 'divorce' and now there's no one I can ask how you're doing.