Late Nights and Phone Calls
I recently relayed a dream that I had to my roommate. Then, without explanation she asked me a very direct question -- which I answered with my usually honesty. We had a really interesting discussion. In the end nothing was resolved, but I headed straight to my scriptures to do some more -- and in depth -- studying.
It's been a rough couple of weeks since then. Not because of that conversation, but as a precursor to it, I've really been avoiding my personal scripture study, for fear of what I might learn, I think. Our conversation just cemented in my mind a greater need to quit the avoidance dance.
General Conference weekend came and went. I fasted and prayed about my question, but I didn't really get a satisfactory answer -- despite my hopes and prayers.
Wednesday the 6th I was having a particularly difficult time with things, and really needed to talk to someone about my concerns and questions. More than that, however, I needed someone to bear testimony to me of the things I have been concerned about. I couldn't think of a single person I would want to discuss my questions with, much less one who would still be awake at the un-Earthly hour I was.
Finally, I remembered someone who would be. We had never really had deep religious conversations before, but I knew he would comfort me, if he could. I also knew he would be honest with me -- if my questions were ones he couldn't answer he wouldn't try to fake it just to make me feel better. So, I text messaged him. He didn't reply, and I sunk further into my misery, sobbing into my pillow.
After 20 minutes, I thought of another person who would be less helpful, but more help than just suffering with my questions. I sent him a message asking if he was awake. He called. We talked for an hour and a half. He didn't really tell me what I needed to hear, but his concern was comfort enough, it seemed. Then, as we were about to hang up my other friend finally wrote me back -- he was up, and what did I need? I hung up with my friend and immediately sent him a text with my question.
He called. "What are you doing up at this hour?" He demanded (it was, after all, early early). "What do you think I'm doing up?" "Either writing a paper, or reading scriptures." "Well, I'm not writing a paper." Then, he knew exactly what to say. I can't recall all of what he said, but the things he did spoke to my soul more deeply than my intellect. I needed those words. We talked for what felt like for ever but really only amounted to two and a half hours. We hung up only because his phone was dying. I don't know how much longer we would have talked, but I do know that we spoke at least as long as I needed.
On Sunday I wanted to call him again, just to talk things over. I wanted him to come over to my house and hold me as I wept about my concerns and listened to his testimony, again and again. I didn't call. He wouldn't come over. He also certainly wouldn't hold me. It's better that I didn't call. However, I wish he would pick up the phone, just to check on me.
It's been a rough couple of weeks since then. Not because of that conversation, but as a precursor to it, I've really been avoiding my personal scripture study, for fear of what I might learn, I think. Our conversation just cemented in my mind a greater need to quit the avoidance dance.
General Conference weekend came and went. I fasted and prayed about my question, but I didn't really get a satisfactory answer -- despite my hopes and prayers.
Wednesday the 6th I was having a particularly difficult time with things, and really needed to talk to someone about my concerns and questions. More than that, however, I needed someone to bear testimony to me of the things I have been concerned about. I couldn't think of a single person I would want to discuss my questions with, much less one who would still be awake at the un-Earthly hour I was.
Finally, I remembered someone who would be. We had never really had deep religious conversations before, but I knew he would comfort me, if he could. I also knew he would be honest with me -- if my questions were ones he couldn't answer he wouldn't try to fake it just to make me feel better. So, I text messaged him. He didn't reply, and I sunk further into my misery, sobbing into my pillow.
After 20 minutes, I thought of another person who would be less helpful, but more help than just suffering with my questions. I sent him a message asking if he was awake. He called. We talked for an hour and a half. He didn't really tell me what I needed to hear, but his concern was comfort enough, it seemed. Then, as we were about to hang up my other friend finally wrote me back -- he was up, and what did I need? I hung up with my friend and immediately sent him a text with my question.
He called. "What are you doing up at this hour?" He demanded (it was, after all, early early). "What do you think I'm doing up?" "Either writing a paper, or reading scriptures." "Well, I'm not writing a paper." Then, he knew exactly what to say. I can't recall all of what he said, but the things he did spoke to my soul more deeply than my intellect. I needed those words. We talked for what felt like for ever but really only amounted to two and a half hours. We hung up only because his phone was dying. I don't know how much longer we would have talked, but I do know that we spoke at least as long as I needed.
On Sunday I wanted to call him again, just to talk things over. I wanted him to come over to my house and hold me as I wept about my concerns and listened to his testimony, again and again. I didn't call. He wouldn't come over. He also certainly wouldn't hold me. It's better that I didn't call. However, I wish he would pick up the phone, just to check on me.
posted by granola girl at 6:02 pm
1 Comments:
Well, it looks like your prayers WERE answered, weren't they? Espically since your friend hasn't been around since you needed that shoulder/ear. Sorry they haven't called you, but that just lets me know that they are tuned into the Spirit enough to answer (be available) when you needed that special ear.
Love your blog, btw.
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