A Room or Not?

I tried to talk to my boss(es) into paying for the security conference this year. They're not going to. I, however, am still going.

Since they're not paying I decided to hit up the guys that I shared a room with last year. No dice. He's sharing a room with someone else. Oh well, hopefully I can scare something up. Wish me luck.

Uncomfortable Insight

"So, is this going to be a hard two weeks for you? With Musician getting married and all?" The question came out of left field, but wasn't overly unexpected.

"Nah," I replied, 'hard' doesn't begin to cover it. That's not true. I think I got most of it out of my system when they announced their engagement. "You can't dwell on something that never had a chance to happen." I said, instead.

I shifted the conversation expertly and quickly to discussing my plans for their wedding present, and that I'm helping them move Nurse on Saturday. Surprised, she replied, "Way to be the bigger person, I am proud of you. You are an awesome person," she continued, "and I like seeing it more and more." Little does she know I'm plotting Nurse's slow demise. Ok, not really.

"Heh." I rejoined, noncommittally, "The first time I met her I knew I would like her, if I could get over the fact that she was Musician's ex-girlfriend, and still had feelings for him. Then things changed. And now she's his wife."

"She's cool. I like her too. Isn't life interesting? You hate it sometimes, but at the same time it is beautiful," she finished.

You have no idea, my friend, no idea. I wonder if, perhaps, helping them move and putting so much effort into their wedding present isn't my way of coping. Or, at the very least, forcing myself to face the inevitable.

Survey says? Oh yeah. Totally.

Nuts.

Knew Better

I should have known better. I tried to tell myself to not get my hopes up, but then I went and did it anyway.

It's now 8:15 pm Tuesday.

Tuesday. The day I was supposed to go out with TreeHugger. The day he picked when he called me to ask if I wanted to hang out. The day I've stupidly been looking forward to for 5 days.

He didn't call.

And, I'm not calling him.

I should have known better. Why did I let myself get excited for it?

The good news? I figured he'd flake out on me, so around 6:30 (after freshening my makeup and hair, just in case) I went shopping. I had to pick some things up from the craft store, and saw no reason to wait. I'm glad I didn't. But I wish I knew why he did this to me.

Talks and Musical Numbers

Musician and Nurse gave their "Farewell to the Single Life" talks today in church, and he played and sang a piece he arranged on the piano. Both talks were great. Musician talked about Grace.

It seems that Grace has been on my mind a lot this weekend. It started with something triggering the phrase "But for the Grace of God, there go I", and hasn't stopped reverberating in my mind. And then, after church I was listening to a CD of hymns that I had playing when "Amazing Grace" came on. I wonder what it is that I need to learn about Grace?

Musician's piano piece went well, except for two flubs. Honestly, I was really glad that he made those mistakes—and told him as much—because it made me feel less pressured towards perfection in my playing. I'll certainly strive for it, but we all, occasionally, have those 'off' moments where we sing the wrong thing.

After church I was talking to Nurse when she mentioned that she's moving on Saturday. I volunteered to help them move. I'm a masochist. I think I just need to 'wash that man right out of my hair' and move on. Today during his talk I had to force myself to focus on what he was saying, and not the fact that I think I still love him, just a little bit.

I'm so immensely happy for them, and truly wish them the best. Can you believe that they're getting married next month!?! Yeah. Wow! Best wishes!

Apologies

Friday after the concert my phone rang. It was TreeHugger. He said he had seen me at the concert and had been unable to talk to me, but he wanted to apologize for being such a flake and could would I like to hang out Tuesday?

Against my better judgement, I said yes.

Saturday night I was talking to a friend of mine about relationships. She casually said, "I've been kind of seeing people, but no one exclusively. I was hanging out with TreeHugger for a little bit. Do you remember him? He came to our ward that one time."

"Yeah." I said, not letting her know that I more than remembered him.

Well, now we know why he was such a flake. What I don't get is why he didn't just tell me that he was seeing someone else? It certainly would have saved a bit of hassle on both of our parts. Oh well, that's where we are.

I'm still kind of excited for Tuesday, but perhaps a bit less so than I was 3 weeks ago.

OH! I almost forgot! Saturday night at the dance he came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders in a half hug and I put mine around his waist. We stood there talking for a bit, before I excused myself. blargh! What is going on!?

Conference

I spent essentially the entire weekend at a Young Single Adult conference. It rocked!

Friday night was a concert.

Saturday had us doing service (I had to miss out on that), then a key note address followed by 3-45 minute classes (they had a long list from which we could cose), then a dinner break, followed by another concert and then a dance.

Sunday brought us church and a fireside.

It was awesome!!

The three classes I went to were:

1. The Tabernacle and Solomon's Temple
Super cool. The brother teaching the class had a very small, to scale, mock up of the Tabernacle as well as a full-sized replication(?) of the robes the High Priest would have worn on the day he was to enter into the Holy of Holies. It was really neat.

2. Righteous Women—Striving for Righteousness
The speaker asked us to name a righteous person that we know. I immediately thought of my Aunt and Uncle that I went to visit in Jerusalem. When she asked me I mentioned just my uncle. She went on to say that in her informal survey, most people tend to mention males. Hmm...

3. Health and Fitness
I ended up here. Nothing particularly new: eat less and exercise more. Woo.

The concerts were both really good, as were the key note and fireside.

The speakers at the fireside were Brother and Sister Pingree.
Sister Pingree spoke on being tenacious and flourishing even in difficult places. She gave an example of a plant she observed over the course of a summer. It had sprouted in the cracks of a sidewalk, and by the end of the summer had blossomed into a sunflower.

Her husband, Brother Pingee, spoke on delighting in everything! He was very animated and kept the audience in stitches as he talked about the things he delighted in. He's an entertaining speaker.

All in all, a great weekend, full of fun and the Spirit. I'm glad I was able to attend.

Personal Space

InternBill and I have taken to violating each other's personal space a bit too frequently. It's kind of fun. Tragically he has a sort of girlfriend who isn't.

Two weeks ago I invited him to the lunch concerts Musician runs, and he enthusiastically joined me. We sat on the benches listening to music and comfortably violating each other's personal space.

Since then we've continued chatting at work and innocent flirtations.

Today he asked me if I was going to the lunch concert and when I replied in the affirmative he told me he'd meet me at my desk.

Over to the concert we headed.

While there we once again resumed the violations of personal space. It's hard to explain, but it's so natural and so comfortable, not that I'm looking for a relationship with him (the boy is 6 years my junior for Pete's sake!), but it's comfy.

Anyway, this is time number two that Musician has seen me with this (admittedly very) hot younger guy. At one point I was whispering in InternBill's ear when I glanced up and noticed Musician looking at us. Even worse: we made eye contact. I really, really, really hope that he doesn't think this whatever-he-thinks-it-is is for his sake, or a reaction to his engagement. It certainly isn't. So, why do I care?

Grounded

I have been spending more time in the doctors' offices than I'd like this past month. I injured my ankle last month in the coolest fashion possible: in my sleep. That's right, folks, I woke up one morning with a stiff ankle that I could hardly move. I thought I sprained it, so I waited a week then made my way to the doctor.

X-rays and a CT later we've determined that I have bone spurs (two of them, one of the front and one on the back of my ankle), and a small bone fragment loose in there. Oh fun!

His recommendations:
1. I'm now grounded from hiking and any other high impact sports (bah!) for the next month (at least)
2. I'm supposed to take anti-inflammatories
3. and ice it.

So far, I've done none of the above. I have, however, kept it fairly well elevated. Also, I'm going to go hiking next weekend. I'm a terrible invalid.

Bus Crush

I fell in love on the bus today. Again. Ok, ok, maybe lust.

I saw this dashing man on the bus for the third time today. One of these days I'll work up the courage to ask him out. He'll probably reject me—seems to be the trend with boys I ask out. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about my new crush that isn't going anywhere.

Father's Day

Last month I acquiesced to a number of requests and volunteered to the Second Counselor in the Bishopric that, "If you give me a month's lead time, I'd be willing to play the cello in Sacrament Meeting."

He replied, "How about Father's Day?"

It was barely a month away.

I agreed, then proceeded to start freaking out.

I called my dad and asked him what his favorite hymn is, thinking that I could play that. After some discussion, he ended up suggesting "O My Father". I thought that was perfect, and as the song had crossed my mind a number of times since I was asked to play I determined that I should play it.

Initially I figured I would just play that which was in the hymnal. I decided, however, to extend myself and try to find a nice cello arrangement online. I searched at found this arrangement.

It was evident straight away that some changes needed to be made. The fact that it was set to accompany a singer was the first thing to go. Which, if you'll note the cello line, leaves some interesting problems.

Oh, and the THREE key changes? Yeah, I'm not nearly that talented.

In the end, I (essentially) played the singer's part, with a few exceptions where I combined the two, and I chickened out and stopped right before the first key change. All-in-all I was pretty pleased with the altered arrangement (I certainly wouldn't begin to take credit for "arranging" anything).

I think my nervousness finally hit me last night as I was practicing. Lydia (my cello) was very out of tune, and I couldn't get it right. I called Musician and asked him if he could help me tune her. He readily agreed. Bless him. As I was leaving his house he reassured me that I would do great. I wasn't so certain.

I was, however, thrilled to see him at church today. I knew that if nothing else, his emotional support, and understanding, was pouring out in my direction. I made one (minor) mistake, but other than that was mostly pleased with how it ended up. I looked for him right after Sacrament, but he had apparently had to run.

A few hours later I received a text message from him (impressive, since he doesn't really "do" text messages) that read simply: "U did great". I know I didn't do great, but I'm so thankful that he said it anyway. Not many people really said anything about it aside from a few comments that were mostly, "I didn't know you played cello." I know that it's not the compliments that matter, but it would be nice to get some feedback on how I sounded. I wonder if anyone would have noticed if I had played with perfection. I doubt it. Maybe that's why they didn't say anything. That, or I really was that bad!

You know, as I think about it, ExOfNote probably would have told me the places where I made mistakes, which I would have appreciated, but, it is nice to have someone encourage you, no matter how not wonderful you do. I hope that they next person I fall in love with is that kind of guy. I really, really do. I also hope Nurse knows just how lucky she is.

Give Away

Tonight as I suffered through yet another "rom-com" I got to thinking about weddings (maybe because it was a wedding movie). There is so much tradition that goes into weddings, so many things that we do just because it's always been done. How frequently do we actually pause to think about what we're doing, what the motions we're going through actually mean.

Take the "giving away" of the bride, for example. A lovely woman has made a decision about who she is going to spend the rest of her life with, and the last step in transitioning from single to married is having her father (or other male family member) give her to her new male family member: her new keeper. It's more than just a tradition, it's an exchange of commodity (or, liability).

When that day comes for me, I want more than anything for my family to be present and supportive, but h'ain't no one giving this woman to anyone.

Doctor

I was chatting with InternBill this morning when I started whining about having to go to the doctor. I said, "Go to the dr. for me." He wasn't quite sure which doctor, so sought further clarification, "The Doctor?"

"NO!" I quickly replied. "The foot doctor. For my sprained ankle. If I had to go to THE Doctor doctor I certainly wouldn't tell you. That, my dear, is, frankly, none of your damn business!"

We shared a good laugh before I had to head out. I'll fill you in on the results when I know.

InternBill

We have an intern at the office. His name is not 'Bill.' I've been calling him "InternBill" in my head for over a week now. Closer to two.

Last week I said to him, "Hey, InternBill... Whose name is George... Uh, sorry, I call you InternBill in my head." Really, at that point what can you do? I didn't even bother to attempt to back out of that gracefully.

Last week we chatted on line (whilst at work) for the majority of the day. Yes, we got work done too, we just spent way too long talking as well. That evening I was laughing about it to Lurch when I said, "I swear, that boy needs to get laid!"

Lurch paused, then offered me a nugget of infinite wisdom, "Um, maybe that's what he's trying to do."

Oh.

Whoops!

My bad!

I spend so much time in Mormon-dom where people may need to get laid, but that need is not being met. And, I assume that everyone knows that I'm certainly not the "go-to" girl when it comes to that. I guess I just forgot that there is no way that InternBill would know that.

The great news? He kind of hooked up with this other intern over the weekend, so I don't have to worry about coming up with a great way to tell him, "Uh, you don't want to waste your summer fling on me. Sorry."

Standing Ovation

It's not often that one receives a standing ovation at church. Well, at least not in a Mormon Church.

I was wakened this morning when Fox called me to let me know that such an occurrence took place in her ward.

Apparently, one of the Elder's had played a piano solo in Sacrament meeting and her youngest was so impressed that she stood up on the pew, clapped her hands and requested, "Again! Again!"

Fox's level of embarrassment? Nonexistent. She just laughed along with everyone else.

No Great Surprise

Guess who didn't call me today?

ding! ding! ding! We have a winner!

That's correct. TreeHugger didn't call. Am I surprised? Not at all. Am I disappointed? A bit. After all, I figured he wouldn't call, I just wished that he would.

Mostly what I don't understand is why he didn't tell me that he wasn't interested at the outset? It certainly would have saved some time and effort on my part, and creative excuse making on his.

Oh well. At least this way I learned that he isn't the guy for me the easy way. I suppose the passive rejection is probably easier to handle than the active rejection which would have involved either (a) a bad date; or (2) an uncomfortable dragging on of this charade.

So, there you have it: despite the initial signals, TreeHugger = massive bust.

S.I.G.H.

Telltale

You know those words that you've used all your life, and you know what they mean, but if someone asked you to define one you'd be stuck blubbering like an idiot? Enterprising, for instance.

Or, those words that you hear a fair bit, and think you know the definition of, but one day, you're curious, so you look it up, and it turns out you were wrong? Chartreuse maybe. Or perhaps vapid.

How about those words that you know and use all the time, but don't really know? Take "available." I was in high school when I learned that there is no 'd' in "avaidable," but rather an 'l'.

Do you remember the epiphany you felt when you first discovered this? Did you go around repeating the word with definition over and over again, mulling it out? Maybe I'm just a freak.

This morning I was sitting thinking about something when the word "telltale" came into my mind. I rolled it around once, twice, getting a feel for it. Suddenly, it occurred to me that the words that make up this one weren't the words I had always assumed. It rapidly became clear to me exactly what a telltale sign is. It is (and I'm sure you have already had this epiphany): a something that tells a tale, something that ruins the punchline, such as it were.

I've been repeating it all day, almost as if I stop the realization will fade. Maybe it will. Best not take the chance.

Tell tale.
Tell-tale.
Telltale.
Tell tale.

Gay and Mormon

No, not me, silly.

I was reading a blog today which lead me to this blog. I started reading it because it had such a captivating title and profile.

Then I started crying. He's gay, and mormon and struggling with finding where those two meet. His story is so heart wrenching. It got me thinking about GayPat and his struggle. He just gave up. I can't say I blame him.

If faced with that challenge what would I do? I don't know. My faith would keep me in the Church, but, wow. I don't know if I could do it. I really don't.

I'm so grateful I have my trials rather than theirs. My heart weeps for them, as do my eyes.

Why Not?

Well, I found this today, and generally I hate these things, but this one really drew me in. Enjoy. Maybe you'll learn something new. Maybe not.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Blue

Here's a picture I just finished. Let's play the interactive art viewer game. I'm going to ask a number of questions. You get to answer them. The more honestly the better. Oh, and exactly how big is this puppy? 36" x 40" (90 cm x 100 cm, roughly).



1. Which way is 'up'? The beauty of abstract art is it has no up or down. Spin it around and tell me which side is the top. Let's assume currently the sides are lettered clockwise from the top: A B C D (with 'A' at the top, and 'B' on the right, etc) How do you have it oriented?

2. What, if any, emotions does it invoke? How do you feel when looking at it?

3. What do you think about it? (As opposed to how do you feel about it?)

4. After all that, would you hang it in your house (assuming it would fit)?

5. Anything else you'd like to add? Questions for me? Ok then. Have at it.

The Date That Never Happened

Installment numbero dos of the ongoing demotion/delay saga (does it feel like installment four or five to anyone else?).

I called TreeHugger tonight to confirm the exciting date for tomorrow night. A date that in my great excitement to accept I managed to forget the First Thursday art walk.

He apologized (this is becoming habitual for him) and explained that as soon as he got back to work his boss announced that he had to go to California for some conference, and he wouldn't be back until next Monday. Uh huh.

A number of apologies later he said, "Can we do it next week?"

Despite my resolve to be strong I said, "Um..." let's take a moment and observe the pregnant pause coming from my side of the conversation... ... ... Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled conversation dump. "sure."

He laughed, the kind of laugh that says, 'yeah, I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar', and mimicked my thoughts (and mocked himself), " 'Yeah. Right.' "

As I had already caved I figured wasn't going to manage to grow a backbone and tell him (as much as I kind of wanted to), "Look, your life is obviously busy right now. Why don't you give me a call when things settle down." (The preclusion to that comment? He had explained that things were always crazy for him.)
"Let's do this," I suggested instead, "why don't you figure it out, then give me a call?"

"Sure." he agreed. Really, what else could he do. I guess in a way I was telling him that I was kind of tired of being strung along, but, simultaneously, leaving that door propped open, just a little bit. "I should have things figured out by Sunday."

I didn't say 'Talk to you then.' That would assume that he would actually call me back. In stead I said ok, and wished him a great weekend, and hung up the phone in a cheery manner.

So, yeah, I'm not expecting a call. If I get one, it'll be a pleasant surprise. Which, frankly, is really too bad. I was quite interested in him, and even let myself get excited for the demoted-demoted date that was supposed to happen tomorrow.

At the end of the day: glad I didn't waste time trying to be in a relationship with him. And, now I get to go to Art Walk! So. There.

De-Moted

Tuesday evening I decided it was time to give TreeHugger a call to confirm our date for Friday night. I called. He didn't answer, so I left a message.

He finally called me back. Thursday.

He asked me how my trip was. I asked him how his weekend was. Things were swell. Then it came time to confirm. He asked if we could move it to Saturday, as he had "a...ward...thing" Friday night. I agreed, then he specified: lunch. Yes, kids, that's right. I've been demoted from Friday night to Saturday...lunch.

A friend of mine offered as consolation: "Well, lunch is safe. Plus, if it goes really well if can go on and on." Slight consolation. I guess I shouldn't be so bummed.

The odd thing, which is what probably bothers me the most, is the boy is now, firmly, in charge. I have lost all control over this date, as you shall see shortly.

"Great!" he exclaimed, sounding excited, "I'll call you Saturday."

"Uh," I replied hesitantly, "Do you want to give me a time range? You know, like, 'between noon and 4'...?"

He laughed, "Yeah, let's say noon and 1."

"Sounds good," I said, "talk to you then."

Blargh.

Fast forward to tonight. I was talking to Ninja about this "ward...thing," and it turns out that his ward did have a "thing." More correctly, they had a bon fire. She was going, but, naturally, I couldn't because that would be a bit stalker-esque.

As I was getting ready to head out with Lurch on my back-up plans TreeHugger called again. He apologized, and asked if we could move it to next week, Wednesday or Thursday. Tragically, his grandfather died last night, and he is headed out of town Saturday for the funeral. He returns Tuesday. Which leads us to a new question: is the Wednesday or Thursday a request to have a date a soon as possible? Or, is it to just get the date over with, and leave him with his Friday/Saturday?

I really, really, really, need to stop over analyzing this.